June 30th, 2014
“Chips… Cookies… Sharwama… Hot dogs… Ice cream… Alcohol mixers (Cranberry juice, coke, sprite, fanta)… Vodka…” Monique recounted the various food items scattered everywhere in my sitting room using her finger to point them out as she did.
“Hmmm… seems I am still missing something out” she added thinking out loud with a quizzical look on.
“Popcorn bitch!” Jemila replied her with a ‘durrrh, you-should-know’ facial expression.
“Yeah, that’s true, thanks bigger bitch” Monique responded with a smile, sticking her tongue out at Jemila.
“This two sef and their wahala; biko get the popcorn make we cheer madam up” Onome the mother hen of the group scolded whilst smiling at me, using her hands to draw my cheeks as she normally does to cheer us up whenever the need ever arose.
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My 3 orobo girl friends- we have all been best of friends since junior class in Secondary school and I still love them to death. We have always had each other’s back, standing and fighting for each other, taking turns in sitting down on anyone whenever we deemed it fit behind ‘dorm-D‘ in school, until they begged for mercy! We weren’t bullies of course, we just understood each other’s plight and always defended each other’s honor – dealing with anyone who messed with any of the sisters- somehow, I assume that must have been the attraction that brought us all together. We were teased, bullied and mocked before we met each other, but all that seemed to gradually vaporize when we became friends and started dealing with a couple of our tormentors! Of course the mimicking continued in hushed voices as they still couldn’t understand how 4 FAT girls could be best friends! We were nicknamed ‘PHAT BITCHES’ by other jealous girls back then in school and although we hated the preposterous nickie at first, we later got used to being called that, even using it to our advantage; spanning it into an acronym which was short for Pretty Hot And Tempting- in short, we loved the nickname! Oh how jealous the whole school was, as everyone wanted to belong with us!… We became the untouchable 4!!!
Sometimes, I still find it hard to believe it’s been 15 years and here we are, still waxing stronger by the day. Of course definitely not without its challenges, as we have fought over everything and anything imaginable; money, food, boyfriends, husbands, cloths, jobs, sex (Yes, sex- Jemila and Monique once fought over who was getting more and who was better in bed than the other!) Oh boy! You should have seen the serious fight oh ‘kung fu panda tinz’ as the sumo wrestling chicken fight even led to 2 months of malice keeping until Onome and I forced them to reconcile!! It’s still a miracle how we managed to sustain this life-long friendship, as we are all different in our ways:
Monique the fashionista of the group, dressing up as if every day were her last… What can I say, she loves the F’s; Food, Fashion, Fun, Family, Friends and a good ‘F’ (yeah, you guessed right)! She is the ideal package; men always flock around her… ALWAYS!
Jemila, oh Jemila… that one? *smh* one word to describe her- ‘clown’ of the group; always the ray of sunshine in every darkness, there is never a dull moment with her, though married with a handsome son, she always finds space to meet up for our regular Thursday book club or ‘gossip club’ like our significant others like to jokingly tease.
And the mother of the group- Onome, our guardian angel, she is always available to advice, care, cater and discipline (whenever possible)… I love my ‘bitches’ and can’t imagine what life would have been if I hadn’t met them.
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“Aunty Drama Queen, relax na, it’s just been 4 days and you are crying like a bereaved widow” Jemila chipped, trying to make her silly jokes again.
“It’s not funny J, stop it please” I snapped back amidst tears.
“You should have seen their faces, they all seemed very pleased by my presentation” I added.
“Eeeya, ndo oh! There would be better ones” Onome re-assured.
“I am sure it is that ‘igi-itayin’ (toothpick) yeye woman that told them not to call me” I lamented.
They smiled, Monique laughing out really loud.
“Look on the bright side, you still have Deji to you know na (clears throat) #snake-in-a-monkey-shadow tinz” Monique said still laughing.
Onome giving her a steel look, warning her to stop and then sighed.
I was speechless, too dehydrated from all the tears to respond, as I normally would have, so I simply bit my lips and turned away…
“Heeeey, look at me babe… it’s going to be alright!” Jemila said, turning my head to face her with a re-assured smile before hugging me.
I am the drama-queen/overly ambitious one of the P.H.A.T bitches group. All I want is to be someone who makes a difference and this job was what I dreamed of for more than 5 years now. I had spent the last couple of days waiting by my phone to ring and crazily pounced on it whenever it did, only to get disappointed time and again as the anticipated call never came. To think the presentation shockingly went better than expected as one of the invigilators (Mr Papa Xmas with the tribal marks) accidentally let out a loud clap immediately I finished presenting before boss lady toothpick gave him a cold stare making him immediately comport himself as he abruptly stopped. Well, a part of me knew better than to expect the call but the other part remained optimistic- I had hoped this part was right but it’s four (4) days already and every ray of hope seemed to have deemed out!
“You must have really stepped on the wrong toes” Deji and the girls had repeatedly said after I narrated my unfortunate day to them.
“How is Deji sef, your office bobo?” Jemila asked.
“He is fine” I muttered, blowing catarrh into a tissue.
“So… how is he?” Monique asked with a wink, whilst making a suggestive sexual position, smiling mischievously and tapping the air like a bloke ‘spanking ass’.
My face suddenly lit up as I blushed.
“Oh, he was that good ehn?” Onome asked eyes wide open, surprised and excited.
The semi-circular position in which we had initially sat to have better access to the food, suddenly assumed the shape of a classroom-like position as they all moved to sit at the opposite end of the table, watching me intently and awaiting the full gist of Deji’s bedmatic skills, grinning like cave women who had just discovered fire for the first time.
“What?!?” I squealed, flustered.
“Gist us jare! Abi which one come be what!” Monique snapped back, mouth filled with popcorn as if she were in a cinema!
“There is nothing to gist na” I defended shyly.
“Hian! O ga bia!!” Onome said in Igbo, rolling her eyes.
“Ok! Fine!!!” I finally said, using my hands to cover my face shyly, blushing like an ‘omo ekpa’ being toasted by a local gateman.
I quickly gulped a shot of vodka for ‘ginger’.
“Yaaaay!!!! Story time!” Jemila screamed, clapping excitedly.
“How big is his ‘junior’” Monique asked grinning like the ‘Joker’ in Batman.
Mouth agape, I replied shaking my head.
“You naughty girls, una don spoil finish; Perverts oshi!”
“Ehn, aunty good chineke pikin, just answer na!” Using her hands to usher me to continue, Monique added.
Giggling, I used my both hands to extensively indicate Deji’s length watching as their jaws literally dropped to the floor, animatedly, shattering into a thousand glass pieces like a comic flick from Tom and Jerry cartoon.
“Na lie!” Onome squealed.
“Walahi fa, shege!” Jemila added in amazement while Onome fell backwards, dramatically pretending to have fainted.
“Oh… boy… ehy!” she finally said, getting up.
We all laughed hysterically for a while.
“Can I borrow?” Jemila asked, still laughing.
“Shut up married woman, babe abeg lets share- single sisters’ style (SSS tinz)” Monique said, giving me a high-5 which I happily received.
“Wow… times like this make me wish I wasn’t married” Onome added.
“Over 10, I would rate him a 21” I added further, purposely making the girls more jealous; enjoying the feeling I was getting.
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Here we were smiling, laughing, teasing, eating, drinking, fake-fainting; enjoying the moment. I had almost forgotten the main reason they were here instead of lounging at Onome’s place which was usually the venue for our ‘book club’. Well, I am glad they were because it really sucks when a dream of 5 years just goes down the drain (*sobbing*). They all knew how much it meant to me, my whole career was benched on that singular presentation which I wholistically messed up with a finality!…
“It’s getting late oh, babes. Tomorrow na working day oh, remember?” Monique said, standing up and stretching her legs.
“Would you be ok, alone?” Onome asked worried.
I nodded silently.
“I go call you when I reach house, to check on my cry-cry baby” Jemila said, teasing.
We bid our farewells, hugging, ‘yabbing’ and kissing, and then they left. I was back to feeling sorry for myself. I tried to clear up the mess, the mountain of used tissue, the wraps and containers of everything scattered everywhere… God, what a mess! I couldn’t have been anymore exhausted, forcing myself to do the little I could to restitute what was left of my sitting room; laughing and crying at the same time as both happy and sad memories overwhelmed me…
Mixed feelings, I got on my knees to pray… hoping, wishing and needing a miracle!
….(WATCH OUT NEXT MONDAY FOR THE 5TH EPISODE OF “THE DIARY OF A FAT NAIJA CHIC”)…