Published Originally: July 7th 2014
Dear Diary, good news at last!
I was called back by toothpick herself, she had apparently reconsidered my position and had even decided to give me a shot at making my dream job a reality! Best part was when I was being offered a cheque for a million dollars as upfront payment as a token of her unreserved apology!
“Ha! Beat that mother earth, in your face sucker!”
Doing my signature victory dance, swinging my booty from the north to the south pole, dancing and singing wholeheartedly, I mocked my haters happily…
******************************************************************************
“Yuck!”
“Yuck!!”
“Yuck!!!”
I screamed. Bewildered, scared and panicking, I tried to make sense of what was going on as I was still stuck in the trance-like bridge of being both asleep and awake at the same time. The opaque seconds after waking up when you are still stuck, trying to figure out what your name is; where you are; and most especially, who you are! Oh, how disappointment poured on me like baptismal oil as I realized ‘Toothpick’ never called and worst off, my million dollars cheque was only but a dream! I must have slept off sobbing, I realized.
*********2:00am********
“Eeeeww”
“Disgusting”
“Oh my God”
I was awoken/ startled by something or somebody crawling on me!
‘Oh no, something was on my body!’
Something crawly… Something disgusting… Something smelly and extremely scary!
My God, I couldn’t believe the hell of a night I was having, if I were some important celebrity or naija super-star, I bet the headlines in the papers and amebo (gossip) blog-sites would read:
“Genevieve Ini Nelson brutally violated by a cockroach” or better yet
“Tiwa Linda Alade’s adventure with a cockroach”
Or something preposterous & exaggerated but not too far from the truth!
I panicked, hurriedly jumped (or scrambled) shamelessly to my feet. Grabbing my phone immediately as a source of light (Jack Bauer reflexes and all na *lols*), ‘cos as usual in naija, PHCN had done the usual- no light! Lo and behold, ‘taa-daa’ there it was, sprinting for the opposite direction.
“Never!”
“Not tonight oh!!”
“Iwo ke?!!”
“Oshi, No escape!!!!”
I said to the beast, with my half asleep, half shocked senses jolting to full comprehension of the impending danger the cockroach possessed! So I ran as fast as my legs could carry (yeah dear diary, you obviously know how fast that was!) I headed straight for the kitchen; my mind determined more than ever, I had never been more determined about something that evil- KILL THAT COCKROACH!
So I got the broom and ‘ran’ back to my room only to find out the cockroach had disappeared- literally, into thin air!
“Ha! Laiye-laiye” (not in this life)
“Wo! Better show your face oh” I found myself threatening.
Yes! My alter-ego ‘Shakara’ had taken over, need I not stress how fearless and ‘tout-like’ she was acting at that moment, mind made up; even if an anaconda or worse had literally appeared out of nowhere, she-I, would have totally ignored it as ‘we’ both had just 1 mission at the moment- GET THAT ‘THING’, DEAD OR ALIVE AND SQUASH IT INTO A BROWN & WHITE COCKROACH_MIX SOUP!
After using the very long broom that I had fetched from the kitchen to check everywhere for that vile creature, I still couldn’t find it anywhere!… No trace… Gone!!! Only evidence of its visit; the awful smell it left on my left shoulder! Yuck!
“Are cockroaches made solely from garbage or thrash?”
“Like, why did God even create them in the first instance sef?”
Hissing and complaining, I thought to myself whilst ripping my pyjamas apart, struggling to rid myself of the oozing smell; using soap, water and perfume as catalyst to speed the process. Word of advice; ‘COCKROACHES RICK LIKE HELL”
The total panic/ superstitious phase of hunting a cockroach kicked in… I had a million thoughts swerving round my head as Shakara the everly superstitious young woman couldn’t stop going on and on and on about the cockroach being supernatural- a demon or sent by a witch (IYA KOREDE) or even worse, just an ordinary cockroach! Question was which “ordinary” cockroach jumps on a person in Africa-Nigeria-Lagos state at exactly 2:00am in the morning?
The search was still on, the time 2:10am and there was still no sign of Mr Cockroach anywhere! Suddenly, ‘something’ was racing towards me in the dark again! In just 1 night… who did I offend? Well, faith must have run out that morning because it was the same cockroach! Who knew cockroaches had ears after all? All my ‘vigilante’ and persistent reaching out to the cockroach by shouting
“Hey cutie cutie, come out here!”
…had actually worked in luring it out to the slaughter! All my senses immediately jolted to full power as I saw the cockroach. Fully recharged with adrenaline, I used the broom as my weapon to hit it, but the cockroach swerved the first blow in slow-motion ‘Jackie chan’ style screaming “odeshi!!!” I tried again but yet another swerve…
“Playing hard to get, catch me if you can ehn?” I asked the cockroach.
“Ogbeni, you are messing with the wrong naija chic!” I further added.
Threatening whilst still trying to kill, maim and destroy the devilish creature after like five (5) different ‘SONYA’ moves which I had learnt from playing ‘Mortal Kombat’ need I not say ‘Nwoke’m cockroach’ was dead and squashed!
Hurray!
Halleluiah!
After the epic battle between good and evil and the realization that the answer to the famous riddle: “what is brown on the outside & white on the inside” is actually COCKROACH! A feeling began to overwhelm me… A zombie apocalypse wouldn’t have beaten the feeling that was taking over my body, mind and soul- I had been brutally violated by a cockroach! Even after the buckets of water, immense amount of soap, scrubbing and yanking at the ‘land point’ on my left shoulder where the cockroach had comfortably cat-walked on; I still didn’t feel any better!
Contrary to what you might be thinking, NOT in my defense sha oh; cockroaches ain’t only attracted to dirty places- they are also attracted to beautiful fat naija chics as I had learnt from that encounter *lols* AND before you judge me Dear Diary for killing that monstrous cockroach, remember the cockroach (R.I.P) had committed an unforgivable crime- cut my beauty sleep and MY enormously wonderful dream short!!!
PS. Dear Diary, in case you don’t hear from me by next Monday (sobbing dramatically, *Drama Queen* tinz) then I must have contracted ‘leprosy’ its equivalent or worse from that hideous “thing”…
Please start a revolution in my honour; operation “KILL ALL COCKROACHES”…
Farewell, oh Diary!
Don’t cry for me Africa…
****PLAYING A SAD MANDELA TRIBUTE SOWETO SONG****