TIME OF DEATH: 9:05am
SEX: Female
SIZE: XXXL i.e Fat Ass Chic
CAUSE OF DEATH: Massive Cardiac Arrest
*******Pause*******
hmmm…thinking… ‘Massive Cardiac Arrest?’ who would have ever imagined ‘that’ as my cause of death? I guess what they say is indeed true “Eranko! Ogbeni karma is really a b*#ch!”
Like I earlier said, Mother Earth was seriously out to get me but what I failed to realise was she was doing a ‘collabo’ with my village witch ‘IYA KOREDE’ to finalise my case; Destroy my 5 years of hardwork!!
Dear Diary, if my suit button had literally popped; my skirt ripped in half; my chair collapsed while I was about to take a seat during the most important meeting of my life, and probably i farted louder than the sound of a bomb going off whilst the pieces of the collapsed seat scattered into a thousand specs, causing me to roll down the staircase in the process, down the entire 4th floor, to the entrance of the building, somersaulting head 1st and naked, rolling like a sac of buns or a Ghana-must-go bag of rotten cassava and still miraculously got hit by a BRT bus & struck by lightening at the same time: it won’t amount to half of what was about to happen (ehm ok, maybe it would).
I couldn’t help but replay my life in slow motion (Nollywood style), the soundtrack of my life playing whilst the pictures of all my enormous fuck-ups were being aired one after the other.
‘tun-tun kan-kan di-kan’ tune being played via metallic flute Igbo musicians always had during ‘Atilogu dance’ with a heavily accented lead-singing female voice shouting
“Chisus! Ewo Chineke!!”
and singing
“It is ‘Ofer’ for busy-body“
in the background, playing in my head as my doom lay nigh!
After the extremely long morning I had been having, I had craved nothing more than a good comfy seat to rest my weight immediately after burning a million calories due to the unprecedented early-morning exercise I had on the staircase. Was that too much to ask? Little did I know what karma had in store for me.
No, unfortunately, my buttons did not pop. Neither did my suit rip apart. Nor did the chair collapse from my weight. And no, I definitely did not fart in front of the board members (although I was so close to doing that before the unfortunate incident sent the fart right back up my bum, straight to my throat, due to shock!)
Yes i know, take 5 seconds to absorb what i just said; let in sink in well…
5…
4…
3…
2…
1… Oya, let me continue my gist jhare
The whole board stood up in unison just as i was about to fill the seat with my orobo ‘bum-bum’, at first I was even smiling, happy that they had all jumped to their feet as a sign of respect to me (I was beginning to feel like a superstar sef) oh how foolish of me! Funny, I still went ahead to sit oh, ignoring my inner goddess who persistently tried to warn me against such an action as she couldn’t understand why the same judgmental bunch would pay such respectful homage to a person who was professionally inferior to them.
From my balanced ‘fekete‘ seated position, I struggled to make sense of the entire situation, why weren’t they seated yet? Turning left and right to look at everyone, my inner voice screaming out to them
“ehm, helooo, down here!”
“hellooo I a seated, you could sit now!”
“Thank you my fans, you are far too kind but please get seated now because it’s getting really awkward!…”
Then it suddenly hit me, aunty ode, they were turning towards the same direction; the entrance! Oh no, an oga was coming in, you can’t imagine my shock as my heart started thudding against my chest;
‘gbum-gbum gbum-gbum gbum-gbum‘
I could have sworn my heart almost jumped out through my mouth due to the panic and fear- Coward oshi!
I quickly struggled to get out of my seat, heaven bear me witness; I struggled, but for some reason, getting up was apparently not as easy as sitting was- I was stuck to the chair!
Oh my. IYA KOREDE oh!!!
All my alarms went off, he (Oga at the top) must not catch me seated, what 1st impression would he get of?… I started pushing, dragging, pulling, carrying, and lifting my stomach folds out (or extra tyres as they are fondly called) from where they were stuck under the arms of the chair but they still didn’t budge, so I held the table and used my entire ‘power’ to drag myself towards the table with my feet held firmly to the ground like a ship anchor to try and pull my self up.
Get up!
Get up!!
Get your fat self up!!!
My inner goddess kept screaming at me while my heart pounded faster. Eventually, I was free but my freedom came with a price, as the force I had used to gain my freedom sent the chair flying backwards, falling on its back and making the loudest noise ever as I quickly ran to get it back up on its feet. I couldn’t help but notice the room behind me had absolutely gone quiet as a graveyard; a pin dropped at that exact moment would have probably echoed round the room. Trust Lagosians na, they were staring! It was soooooo embarrassing!
Oh Dear Diary, you should have seen their faces when I turned around (covering face)…
Olorun Oba sha’nu! Why am I so clumsy? least of all, today of all days! When I finally placed the chair in its position, forcing on a fake smile amidst a pool of apology as if hoping the awkward ‘U-shape’ my lips had assumed would somehow wipe away the memory of my most embarrassing 65 seconds EVER! I noticed all the board members were fully seated and had resumed their initial scorn-filled facial expressions towards me. I couldn’t have wished for anything more at that moment, than for the ground to open up and swallow me.
I was the only one still standing so I quickly attempted to seat down when I suddenly caught a familiar colour at the corner of my eyes- Chocolate Creamed Brown. The colour had someway stuck to my memory as it reminded me of last night when Deji decided to ‘spice things up’ during foreplay by dripping chocolate EVERYWHERE and offering to lick them off ‘slowly’, oh the excitement the memory still brings to me as my *coughs* automatically lights up and my face…
“You”
A voice broke my thought and brought me back to reality, willy-nilly.
I hadn’t noticed they were addressing me while I was still deep in immense playback, grinning like ‘Eran Iya Osogbo’ . Confused, I tried to make sense of what was happening by stuttering
“Y-Yes?”
“I know you” the voice said again, it was the boss
Then it hit me like lightening in the face.
That color- Rich Chocolate Creamed Brown. No wonder it was too familiar, that was the colour of ‘the skirt’…
That was the colour of the suit I had seen earlier that morning!
My heart literally stopped beating.
‘oh no!’
…”Toothpick!!!!”…
Watch out for the next episode…
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