I found myself running as quickly as my stubby legs could carry. “Hold the door please”, I squealed. Coincidentally, there he was standing majestically in the hallway, smiling mischievously- as was the usual. Oh my, that smile… the sexy wrinkles it formed at the corner of his eyes, those lips, where they had been, what they had done, the magic they possessed… last night!
Oh no!
Last night!
Wow… Last night!
Here I was again replaying EVERY scene in this everly imaginative mind of mine.
Focus!
Focus!!
Focus!!!
This was neither the place nor time nor hour for such. Today is THE big day, I had waited 5 years for this very day and it was finally here but for some strange reason(s), Mother Earth seemed to be jealous of my night with Deji as she had been trying her best to jeopardize my BIG day- first I overslept (testimony of last night, ‘hallelujah’ choir); my car broke down; no cab in sight; then those mental case conductors wouldn’t let me be in peace as their jeering taunts kept pouring in “madam e ma san wo eyan meji o”- well of course the money wasn’t the issue, it never has and never is, but the embarrassment it brought as the whole bus broke off in unified laughter! Dear diary, trust I gave him a ‘piece’ of my yoruba naija gangster self by telling him a ‘few’ things he would probably still be sobbing about.
Just thinking about it brings a mischievous grin to my face. There was also the never ending Third Mainland Bridge traffic that seemed to last forever, just as I had assumed my day couldn’t possibly get any worse, the bus halted to a ‘stop’ right in the middle of the bridge and when the passengers- moi especially, queried the driver as to the sudden stop, you wouldn’t believe his reply;
“abeg no vex, na fuel finish”
WTF!
I almost suffered a cardiac arrest there and then.
My goodness, it was just 15 minutes to my great presentation, could this really be happening? Was this how 5 years of my life would go down the drain? I just couldn’t give up to mother earth’s scorn, not without a fight at least. So I began to mouth what seemed like a prayer and for the first time in sooo long, ‘He’ seemed to have heard me, as a Fashola Cab approached us. Instinctively, I could feel other passengers attempting to devour the same cab. Slowly, I looked to my side and noticed other passengers indeed attempting to pounce on the same cab like a documentary I had recently seen about scavenger birds and carcasses on Discovery Channel. Let the games begin; Bring It On part 1 & 2, I thought to myself with a naughty smile.
My naija senses came to a full jolt. I found myself running with my breasts trying really hard to shamelessly leave mama’s nest and not even minding my amused Lagos Traffic audience who seemed to view me as the comic relief from their terrible weekends. I Ignored both the pain caused by this uncomfortable pair of Prada heels; or whether or not I looked like ‘stuffed bread’ in this suit ‘the girls’ had relentlessly forced me to wear! Breathless, I sprinted for the cab only to see a ‘figure’ which looked like a toothpick in skirt running beside me, also racing for the same cab!
Ehn? My cab?
I bet toothpick doesn’t know who she’s messing with, I thought to myself as I increased my pace immensely- Usain Bolt had nothing on this sprinting hippo. I was beginning to overtake toothpick when suddenly, she picked up a shocking speed and seemed to catch up… meet up… and sped past me. Panic set in and my adrenaline level shot up to the heavens.
Panting like a pig up for slaughter or an elephant in heat, I kept running, determined not to bring shame to my ancestors by getting defeated by toothpick.
As I and Toothpick approached the cab, she turned; eyed me from ‘hair’ (not head oh) hair to toe; she then sized me up, shook her head and gave me an evil smile that read “I beat your ass, orobo oshi!”
Mogbe!
Like a cartoon character, hot air shot out of my ears as anger took over and I kept on thinking of the various “1000 ways To Die” shows I had seen on TV. I threw caution to the wind, not minding my current near-death state caused by this unscheduled exercise as my anger fueled me better than ‘Lucozade Boost’ ever could. Oh boy, the way I used (emphasis on ‘used’) my FAT God-given-heavily-bounticious-ukwu to push skinny-malnourished-anorexic toothpick out of the way and ‘flew’ into the cab is still a miracle I cannot wait to share with the congregation (my three orobo bffs- Onome, Monique and Jemila) during ‘testimony time’. Needless to say, toothpick stood there throwing a tantrum, screaming and stomping up and down like a child.
Oloshi!
As I was trying to catch my breath in the cab, I couldn’t care less about what she had to say… I had bigger fish to fry; I had just 7 more minutes left.
“Hello Beauty” I scrambled back to reality at the sound of his voice.
Whispering I muttered “not here Deji, you can’t call me such here”.
“Yes ma’am” he teased.
“I am sooo late, ttyl” I screamed back as I dashed passed him, headed straight for the elevator, ignoring the tingly feeling from “down there” which his voice seemed to cause.
“…The Elevator’s not working…” he called out a hint of mockery or concern or both fused in his voice, I couldn’t decipher which as my heart immediately collapsed into a thousand and one pieces from that singular statement.
“What?” I replied, alarmed and panicking.
“no!” “no!” “no!” “mogbe” “dear God no”
“na wa oh”
“hian!”
I managed to stutter in broken phrases.
***2 minutes, 39 seconds to go***
Who knew the rise of these staircases were this high ehn? I wonder what ‘oloriburuku’ architect designed this 7-storey building and what he was thinking; didn’t he realize the difference between a gym and an office complex? How on earth would anyone make it “alive” to the 4th floor where the board room for my presentation was located, in less than 2 minutes?
Breathlessly, I kept on grumbling and complaining about everything and anything my mind could think of till I reached my floor. Sweating, panting, and gasping for air like a fish in the desert, I stormed the board room filled with shocked, peering eyes of the panel. I couldn’t have been more apologetic as I quickly used my handkerchief to dab the sweat off my face and quickly searched for a seat to wait my turn, their eyes still judgmentally escorting me to my seat of course. Just as I was trying to fill the seat with my weight, the unthinkable happened; the father of all misfortunes bestowed upon me; the jinx had reached its peak and with it, doom!
Watch out for the next episode to find out what happens.
Comments